I wouldnt friend zone this guy either, he doesnt sound like good friend material, he sounds like exactly what he says he is, an ass. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. NC is your most powerful action. When I reminded him that hed been with another woman at a previous event he said she was just a friend. I have suffered with obsessive thoughts and cognitive dissonance for years with this AC! "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off," Connie L. Habash, a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. Take a minute. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. Unsubscribe at any time. I definately would be easily tempted to still be nice, and have a selective memory. Is it ok to remember a person who has caused us terrible harm w anger? He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. Its also not a dating handbook. You will always remember. , look Im better than you because Ive forgiven you, you lowlife. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. I hope these help. 10 Signs That A Guy Wants You Just For Sex, Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married/Attached Man, Overlappers: When they start a new relationship just before your breakup, Miss You, Miss You, Oops, But Im Not Getting Back With You: When Your Ex Says They Miss You But Youre Still Broken Up, Letting Go of a Relationship That Doesnt Exist, Uncover, unpack and declutter the emotional baggage thats holding you back in 5 short audio sessions, Get to know yourself on a deeper level and learn my simple yet powerful emotional decluttering methods, Put healthy boundaries in place and start being more of the person you really are. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by bitterness or a sense of injustice. Maybe they say i love you, 5xs a day, instead of once a week. I havent caught up with my friend since August, and now I know why. Make a list of 10 things that you enjoy and make you feel good and do them. Even the Bible says that we should freely forgive, but ONLY those who are repentant (i.e., are sorry for what theyve done and who DONT repeat the offending action). Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. Lessons were learned & I am working on me & my EU tendencies which have been there since childhood I am guessing. I was calm and polite as always. I have my dignity-you are correct. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Why is it I always worry about hurting other peoples feelings and not my own. In a 2021 analysis, researchers examined why we hold grudges. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. Keep strong, dont rethink anything. Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? But thats the way it is. I keep thinking that the stuff he says and does seems so crazy and offensive that I have to wonder if its all just an act and hes just doing this because hes trying to seem cool or something like that. But often the most challenging aspect of getting hurt is letting go of any lingering resentment after you forgive them. I knew beforehand where the so-called ex gf lived. Thanks Bubble I tried explaining to the AC, and to my old friend that or friendship would get affected with this new dynamic and I felt hurt. surprise surprise. And yet, when it comes to forgiveness, we dont think that it means anything unless we can hoodwink ourselves into liking it. Dont waste your time with him. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Can this still apply if you have children with your ex? MotherofDoodles 5 hr. Thanks again! Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. In all honesty, only a few. difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. I used to have a male best friend who was very, very similar to this man you describe. Or unhealthy? I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. In the end (8 yrs later), after numerous talks, etc I was left just bitter and resentment. Harboring a grudge When people hold a grudge, they stay in the victim role and perpet- uate negative emotions associated with rehearsing the hurtful offense (Baumeister, Exline, & Sommer, 1998). And I cannot protect nor enable them from their shameful behaviour past and present. If youre unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then youre probably harboring a grudge. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Also, which guy was he trying to impress when he told YOU that he had 6 booty calls lined up for whenever he wants? I think he likes me becasue of my emotional nature, and he is learning from me, if you read my new post in the latest BR, I talk about tha too. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. so I dropped him. Yes. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. What a bullet you dodged. Grudge vs Boundary in Relationships - FLEXTALK.org If you're unable to move forward without feeling embittered or angry when you think about the incident, then you're probably harboring a grudge. so sad. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. In retrospect, I sure wish that I had maintained NC when he wrote me again after 20 months. So Ive given myself time to decompress and feel out the next yeses and nos. So you do. But when he comes to get our son by the time he drops him off later in the day he hovers asking how im doing acting all caring. Getting It!Sorry for all typos in above post & this one, doing this by phone. Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. Done! Although, of course, I was pleased its finally out, truth be told, I was mostly *knackered* that day. Grace answered beautifully. I'm Not Holding A Grudge, I'm Setting A Boundary. "Preventing yourself from feeling anything requires a lot of effort," Owen said. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. Mymble Exactly how I felt when I left the abusive ex, like a stone had been lifted from my heart. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. It took me a long time to finally break up with him and I dont think he likes that I have gone from strength to strength and that I am finally finding that woman I used to be and not the one I let him turn me into and I am really quite proud of myself for that . Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? Thanks. A 2021 studyTrusted Source concluded that a greater level of forgiveness is associated with lower stress and better mental health. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. If you can find the strength, run, dont walk. All of the progressromancebeautymagic was gone when he decided to undo everything by taking some heavy-duty drugs, and denying same while tremors beset his face and hands, and while perseverating while rocking in his seat. Fewer symptoms of depression. It made me feel weak and pathetic. My friends husband just asked me out! My bad! It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. American Psychological Association. Oh, eww, this guy sounds awful. information highlighted below and resubmit the form. Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. Bottom line: God loves us all and wants us to love each other and get along. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. I spoke to my male bestfriend and the consensus was it puts you in a situation where a gesture of kindness could be misinterpreted or make myself vulnerable I decided not to send a truce msg and I think forgiveness from a distance works. Carry on!! As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! Finally I am single and learning to be alone regardless of how much I resisted this in the past. I know its very common, people looking to connect when the corpse of their marriage is not yet cold heck, the marriage likely isnt even a corpse, more like on life support but the thought of stepping into that muck is so unappealing I just shake my head. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. The Connection Between ADHD & Forgiveness - The Holderness Family It focuses on the wrong thing. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. Ive maintained NC but Im seething inside that he thinks its OK to just drop me and dismiss me as if I was nothing. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. I would never ever let someone treat my child with disrespect or disregard. For a person who was badly, When one person is deeply hurt and broken by an offense caused by another person,. Holding Grudges: Why It Hurts and How to Let Them Go Thank you Allison it does feel good, I feel like I had lost a part of me but I am feeling contented and so much happier that I know I am finally getting there..thanks to BR and all the lovely posters who show so much support on here it just makes you so aware that you arent alone in what you are going through and it gives you the strength to deal with what the ex AC is trying to throw at you. Be clear about boundaries. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. The 68th time, I learnt this is just going to keep happening. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. Try seeing the situation from the other person's point of view. They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. you wont because youre wise and loyal to your friend but I wonder how many others of her friends he has managed to do this too. The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you've done and how they have affected others. I think Ive been too polite and nice with all this. Once I sense a romantic partner is bad news, something changes inside and I cant be with them. When it gets to close 4 comfort they disappear into the night. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. There is a silver lining to everything. I hated myself, but there was a thrill and fascination Id never experienced before. I cannot be held responsible for a guy not having a backbone :-)! In the distant (or not-so-distant) past, someone hurt you. Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. I forgive him for being the way he is, for how he feels and for how he behaves. Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you growing up, a colleague sabotaged a project or your partner had an affair. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. I was so surprised with his sudden change of behavior toward me, that I mistook it for his dropping his act. by NATALIE | Oct 21, 2013 | Happiness & Self-Esteem | 180 comments. Natalie, this post is food for thought. Forgiveness isnt about pretending the person didnt do anything wrong. You are right that God didnt say were are to be chumps and Jesus isnt one, either. Thats indifference. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. Signs You're Holding a Grudge Even If You Don't Think You Are - Insider I only need to validate me. Hard pass! The last paragraph of your post is extremely accurate.Everything happens for a reason but when we are hurting it is easy to forget, learn for your mistakes and release :)! You will not get it. Im especially proud of you for considering your daughters feelings. So I couldnt. There is no sense. I really have no feelings towards her at all. hbbd```b``z"gIiR `m0L`r OS$c;v\T$20m (?cO = ", It's easy for you to get irritated with them, NOW WATCH: Bed bug infestations are only getting worse here's why they're so hard to kill. I knowtime heals all wounds. I have gotten two jerks out of my life this year and now I have my own concerns more at heart. Please trust yourself. Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. Not at all. Even months or years later, were so committed to our anger that we start to lose perspective. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. Install a Number-Blocking application on your phone to filter his calls. Order your copy (link in bio)#baggagereclaim #boundariesarehealthy #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #recoveringpeoplepleaser #healthyrelationships #thejoyofsayingno. I have learned to protect myself, and deal with her effectively. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. Even if that doesnt apply to your pastor, I doubt he meant ex boyfriends. It can help free you from the control of the person who harmed you. Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs. I think part of me has always wanted to have some sort of exit conversation and I let him know somewhat indirectly in my text that I was interested in an apology. Flush this man from your life. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. I was speaking from my own personal experience and making it a carte blanche rule for everyone. The best revenge is your own happiness and success! And that means that sometimes you might get upset over things that really aren't related to what you're actually upset about. Its a good time to find out who your friends are and who are not for some people certainly make you out to be the grudge-bearing sourpuss- which does affect me so I try not to think about itYes, would love Nat to post on this. At all. But I fear that I can slip anyday, and become trusting/gullible or a people pleaser and this post reminds me not to. My prayers for you continue. Well, I dont know if his red flags are as red as my exs so maybe Im not really seeing red Oh, you are seeing red and he even told you very directly that he has red flags. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. Forgiveness is to be a liberator, an emancipator, a freer of spirits once shackled by mistakes of the past. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. I am paralyzed even after all this time with a feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hold a grudge Definition & Meaning | Dictionary.com Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? Didnt I Mean Something To Them? I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Thank you for your reply. At first, I tried to play it cool. resentment noun. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. Holding Grudges Only Hurts You Try These Tips to Let Them Go Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. Martinez-Diaz P, et al. That would be a mistake. Im praying for the strength to take my leave, but at the same time be kind. Its like my old AC all over again. Meditation really helps you to learn to be in the present moment and enjoy it. I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. Its unfair. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. then i realized i had to end everything with him becasue I still had feelings and told him not to contact me anymore. He does not mean you well. It is not acceptable that people can grow and learn from mistakes. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town.